Change

Experiences have this tendency to change who you really are.

They change your outlook on life, they change your perspective on things, they change your behaviour, your attitude, your character. They change your feelings, too.

I've changed a lot over these past few years.

Especially over this past year and a half.

I'm not the tomboy I once was back in school. I don't despise skirts and dresses anymore. And pink really isn't that bad a colour.

But aside from the good, there's also the bad.

I've become very serious about many things. I'm not as laid back as I once was. I've become, to a certain extent, pretty sensitive about things said about me. Even when teased.

I've become very cold. If I don't particularly like someone I can completely wash my hands off and ignore them without a hint of remorse or regret. Which is not something I'm proud of.

I don't reply to messages as instantly as I used to. Be it Facebook messages, text messages or whatever messages. Sometimes I just leave things hanging. And reply a couple of days or so later.

I've begun to worry about what people have to say about me. Every time I go somewhere or do something I always wonder if people judge me. I always wonder what they think. And this in turn has made me very uptight about a lot of things.

I have this tendency to walk away. I hate getting into fights and arguments. Usually I just keep quiet and listen. And if it's worth fighting back I'll say my piece otherwise I simply leave everyone hanging and walk away.

I don't believe in secure, long-lasting relationships anymore.  I don't believe it when a guy says something about the way he feels. He has to prove it. Otherwise nothing's valid. Nothing's real no matter how many times he says it. 

I hang out at bars and clubs with friends like it's something I've done for ages and ages. Though personally I hate the whole clubbing scene. I hate the overly loud music, I hate the smell of cigarette smoke that lingers in my hair long after leaving the place, I hate beer and I especially hate the way some men look at us girls.

I never used to use the F word. Until last year. I'll talk and talk and talk and suddenly I'd catch myself saying "Oh fuck." or something like that. Even more so when I get angry. And even 'till now it feels weird saying it. It's like something foreign coming out of my mouth every time the word is uttered. I'm trying not to use it anymore. And it's working. More or less.

I'm still pretty self conscious about my looks and my weight. Some days I'd eat, some days I'd starve. Some days I'd convince myself that I'm just not hungry. I know it's not healthy. But I've struggled with weight issues for some time now and though I'm no where near obese it still bothers me.

All these insecurities.

I dunno.

I've just...changed.

I'm not the old me anymore.

I'm not as happy-go-lucky as I always was.

I'm not as helpful or as kind as I used to be.

I'm not as friendly as I always was.

I'm not as carefree as I used to be.

I rarely smile to strangers unless they smile at me first.

If anyone were to see me or meet me for the first time, honestly I wouldn't be surprised if the words "arrogant" and "bitch" and "cocky" fly across the table.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be the person I once was before coming here.

And then I think about all the things I've done.

And all the people I've met.

And then I think, "No. No, I'll never be that girl again."

Because I know exactly how it feels to be used, put down, lied to, rejected, cheated on, confused, insecure and broken.

So yes.

Yes I've changed. 

But you have to understand why.

And for that to happen, you have to get under my skin and flow through my veins.

Otherwise you can shut up and either still stay by my side or leave.