Tough Luck

I'm at my wits end trying to fit in where I don't belong. 

For years I've struggled with finding the right friends, with finding the kind of people who think like me and like the things I like and enjoy the things I enjoy.

But I can't do it anymore. I just can't do it anymore.

I had the same problem in primary school.

In lower secondary when I switched schools I had to adapt and it worked for a while and then again in upper secondary when I went back to my previous school, despite the temporary culture shock, I found friends who shared similar interests. Friends whom I could connect with on every level. 

It continued as I went on to do my A Levels.

And then it came to a screeching halt when I came down south.

I am Indian.

I understand Tamil.

If absolutely necessary, I will speak said language.

But I come from an English-speaking background.

I always have come from an English speaking background and nobody can say or do anything to change that.

I simply cannot converse on a day to day basis 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in Tamil.

I can't.

I've tried. Believe me.

Not throughout the day for a week, but I've tried conversing to fit in.

But it's just not me. It's not who I am.

My friends here are great. They really are. 

We help each other out with notes, we take care of each other when one of us is not well, we secretly plan, organize and celebrate birthdays, but something, for me at least, is still amiss.

And try as I may, I can't shake that feeling off.

So many things I used to talk about and do with my best friends back home I can't do here, and it's tearing me apart.

Being alone isn't a bad thing. I'm alone all the time.

I go for movies alone. I go shopping alone. I buy my groceries alone. I travel alone.

Doesn't mean I'm lonely.

No.

Lonely, is being in a room full of friends and not being able to engage with any of them on any sort of level.

And that's precisely the shit I'm dealing with right now.