Eat Pray Love

She ate in Italy.

She prayed in India.

She loved in Bali.

Now I know the reason behind the name of the memoir and the book.

My God.

Captivated.

Gripped.

Enticed.

Moved.

Provoked.

Everything. I was all those things and I don't understand why I didn't pick up the book every time I saw it at the bookshops!

Every time I finish reading a good book or finish watching a good movie I get into this bubble.

Once I'm inside this bubble, I replay scenes in my head. Who said what. Who said what to whom. How I connected to or with that particular part of the story or the movie. How I connected with the characters. What they must be like in real life. Why this happened. How the author or director came up with such ideas. I just go over every little thing over and over in my mind until I'm done. Until I'm ready to move on to something else. And until each favourite quote has been etched in memory.

That's just how it is. 

That's just how I am.

I don't know how many of you have read the book or watched the movie but I have to say it's something everyone who feels a little lost, should experience.

Elizabeth Gilbert. The main character. A.K.A. Liz.

Liz gets married but later realizes that she and the husband have grown apart. She asks for a divorce and then travels to Italy, India and Bali respectively.

Which is something I'm currently dying to do.

To travel.

Not necessarily to those places - thought that'd be great, no doubt - but I want to travel.

Have you ever known what you've wanted to do for the rest of your life since you were young? To have one dream since you were a kid and to stick to it until it was time to pick societies and clubs in primary school and streams in high school?

To actually start studying towards that dream of yours. That dream you've had since you were two years old.

To go to college. To get into university. To continue working towards that life long dream of yours only to realize that you want other things too.

Not just that one. Thing. That one dream.

Have you?

I've wanted to be a doctor since I was two years old. Mom always tells me how I'd be running around the house at that age with the mini doctors kit, the plastic stethoscope, the plastic scalpel, the band aids and plasters and how I'd be looking for volunteers to have their hand cut open by that plastic scalpel and stitched up again by imaginary thread.

When it was time to choose a society in primary school I went straight for the Red Crescent one coz I honestly thought we'd be learning about stuff that we'd learn again in medical school.

Lol if only I knew then, the things I know now.

All my life I've been struggling to get good grades. Late nights, nights without sleep. Fights with parents because of studies. 

For years I was fighting off insomnia. I was willing myself to stop worrying about grades and exam results.

The pressure coming from all directions was relentless. It was hell.

But now here I am.

Actually living my dream.

Actually studying to become the doctor I always wanted to be as a child.

But instead of that feeling of accomplishment and pride and joy, I feel empty. I still haven't felt all those things yet. 

I feel, instead, that I've been on that one path that led me here and have overlooked all the other nooks and crannies that came along the way that could have led me to other places before I reached this one.

I want so much more out of life. 

I want to do so many things.

I want to experience different cultures. I want to go backpacking (just to see how long I'd actually last without a proper suitcase of properly folded clothes). I want to go bungee jumping even thought I'm terrified of heights. I want to go sky diving. I want to go to Italy and sit down at one of the many, many beautiful cafes and have a plate of spaghetti without worrying about that amazing sauce dribbling down my chin. I want to go to beaches around the world and have my breath taken away by all that crystal clear water and glow in the dark plankton. I want to take photograph after photograph of every place, every experience, every plate of food, every new person I meet, every tantalizing dessert, every place that I stay, everything and anything beautiful I come across and make scrapbooks to fill my bookshelves. I want to go to America with a whole list of places to eat and visit. I want to go back to Paris and take a shot on top of the Eiffel tower and have a before and after picture from when I was small and compare it to how I look now. I want to go to the Hagia Sofia. I want to go to Germany and drive on the Autobahn in a BMW 5 Series, one I've got a huge poster of in my room. I want to go to Egypt and Africa and oh my GOD THE LIST IS JUST ENDLESS.

It's endless.

I want to spend my time in the company of people who have been through the ups and downs of life. I want to hear their stories. I want to know how they overcame their difficulties.

I want to see how people live around the world. How they work. How they bring up their families. 

I want to see things.

See and experience so many things.

I want to find myself.

I want to do all these things before I commit to my childhood dream because I won't have the time anymore. And even if or when I eventually do have the time, I won't have age on my side.

And there was also one part in the movie where Liz takes this Brazilian guy, Felipe to meet Ketut, the guy who does the palm reading thing in Bali, and he tells Felipe something. He says Felipe has been hurt before. That he has a broken heart. And that the only way to heal again is if he opens his heart up once more and starts to trust.

I think that was another thing that made me connect with the characters and the movie as a whole. Because I've felt the same way they did too, at some point.

And it's all up to me to fix things. To not feel so empty anymore.

To find myself.

I went through Goodreads reading all the quotes from the movie and these two hit me the hardest;

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." 

and

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

It's been hours since I've gotten a good nights sleep. 

My eyes are burning. 

My head is aching. 

And I'm still trying to figure out how to make this emptiness go away.