Hmmph!

I’m writing this post on the lower bunk of my (temporary) double decker bed, in an apartment on some hill, with a very heavy heart.

I think the last time I cried before leaving home to head back to uni was about 3 years ago when I was on the flight back to JB from the Subang airport.

These past two weeks have been difficult, to say the least.

I’m a very easy-going person. I’m a hard worker, I’m punctual, I’m a team player although there are times when I prefer to lead rather than follow. I do what needs to be done and I do it well. But when you disrespect me, raise your voice at me for no apparent reason and pick on me for every little thing, I become ice cold and there’s no turning back.

The Indian mindset is one that is very tough to break. As an Indian myself there are many things I don’t do and people I don’t associate with. One of the things I hate about the Indian mentality is that just because someone is older than you, you’re automatically required to respect them. Yes I respect my elders. I respect anyone for that matter. You can be younger than me or older than me, it really doesn’t matter. But the moment you demand that I respect you, is when you lose my respect all together. It’s a two-way thing. There must always, always be give and take.

So that being said, let me tell you what transpired and what it is that has made me become so demotivated and upset.

We’re currently doing our last posting for the year here in KL. We’re at a district health clinic where we observe what and how things are done. To be very honest I find this whole thing a bloody waste of time. We can’t do any procedures. We can’t touch the patients unless our facilitator is there, which is hardly ever. We can’t clerk the patients properly because they’re rushing off to see the doctor and leave as soon as they possibly can. We can’t do proper physical examinations. We can’t do anything except observe and we’ve passed this phase back in the hospital so it’s really very frustrating.

There are 10 of us at this particular clinic. We’ve been paired off and we go to different departments every day to ‘observe’. On the second or third day, my partner and I were in the accident and emergency department. We were waiting and waiting and waiting and standing and standing and dying of hunger and walking around until I decided I had enough and wanted to leave because we had case presentations and seminars to prepare for which were due the next day. Seeing as to how we had nothing to do, 4 of us made up our minds to leave the clinic and head over to campus to actually get some work done. I sent a message to our group representative stating all our names and that we were leaving. Bear in mind that I was not asking for permission. I was only informing. And we left.

That afternoon our group rep asked to have a meeting. At 1pm. Lunch time. Another thing I cannot stand is when people interfere with my break time or time to eat. As it is we don’t have any breaks from 8 in the morning ‘till noon. Don’t touch my lunch break. But she did. Before that, however, I went to the office with a friend of mine to get something done. We went at 12.30 since the meeting was only at 1 and thought we’d be able to make it on time. But that didn’t happen. So at 1.10 when we were still waiting at the office for our stuff to be settled, I told the group rep to start first and that we will come as soon as we’re done. She said no, she’d wait. Okay fine.

We went for the so-called meeting about 20 minutes late, which was no fault of ours, and she started shouting.

First she asked why we didn’t go to the office before the meeting. I said we did, we went half an hour earlier but didn’t think it would take so long. She still asked why we didn’t go earlier, and why we didn’t come for the meeting on time. Again I tried to explain that we had to get our stuff done etc but no. She wasn’t listening. She asked us if we would have done the same thing if it was an exam. Obviously not but hello? You’re comparing this meeting, which all we had to discuss about was simple stuff for our research, to an exam? Seriously? -.-

By this point my face got hot but I kept quiet.

Then she started asking us why we left the clinic so early. Again I explained that we had work to do and since we were not doing anything at the clinic, we came back. Fair enough, don’t you think? But no. She ranted and raved about not giving us permission (which I didn’t ask for in the first place since she’s not a lecturer), and about how we missed 2 procedures that took place after 11 (which should be my problem to worry about not hers since she’s not a lecturer – or me), about how the nurses were asking about us and where we went and why we left early (which so obviously did not happen because they’d rather not have us in the clinic as a distraction. Duh), about how our lecturer wanted to come to the clinic but couldn’t because we were not there (if he really was coming, she could have called us and asked us to come back to the clinic. We’d have come back immediately). She just went on and on and on and on and she asked the other 3 why they didn’t inform her that they were leaving. Isn’t it understood that if one person tells her, with all our names, that we’re all leaving? She went on about how disrespectful we were and about how she was supposed to answer if anyone asked where we were and why we did what we did and that she has so much to do for our research and how she’s doing it all by herself (when clearly she has 9 other people who can help her if she only bloody delegates).

What pissed me off was the fact that she shouted. If you have a problem with me, you talk it out like a civilized person in a dignified, diplomatic manner. You don’t raise your f***ing voice at me just because you’re bigger, older and in charge.

 I will bite your head off.

So as calmly as I could (my hands were in fists by this point and I was having palpitations) I tried to explain to her again why we left and that we did inform her but she simply refused to accept the explanation. And what was ironic, was the fact that she said that she’s a very approachable person and that she will listen to us if we have anything to say to her.

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I couldn’t take it. When she brought up the office issue again I lost it a little and raised my voice back then shut up again because I was ready to either walk out or slap a face. It took all I had to sit in that smelly seat and listen to all the shit she was saying.

I’ve been a group leader before. I understand what the responsibilities are and what needs to be done. If someone doesn’t do what they’re supposed to do, you can either tell them once, twice, three times, ten times or just report back to your superior. If someone leaves without telling you, you can ask them, although they’re not obliged to tell you, or you can report back to your superior. You’re not the boss of anyone because you’re an equal just like any one of us. You’re just representing us. Group representative. It’s as simple as that. You’re not responsible for us, neither are you in any position to micromanage us. What we do, is our business. Butt the hell out!

The minute she raised her voice at us – at me – is the moment I lost all respect for her.

Today in class we were asked to come up with booth ideas for an intervention program we’re going to be a part of next month. Our lecturer asked us to discuss about Autism. We were sitting quite close together so whatever someone said, we could all hear. My friend asked me what ideas I had, I simply said you can’t teach a parent how to diagnose his or her child with Autism within 10 minutes. It takes so much more than that and years of professional experience. And I just left it at that. I did not contribute to anything, I didn’t suggest anything. I just said what I said and continued scrolling through my phone for must-visit cafes around KL. After some time my friend asked the group rep if we could change the topic to something we could all work with. She immediately asked him who gave him the idea to ask the question (apparently it was me. Surprise!) and she said she heard what I said to him about ideas for the topic and she asked me why I didn’t ask her the question directly. In the first place, I had no intention of even looking at her face let alone talking to her and asking her to change the topic. In my head I was actually telling myself that I’d work along with the rest and help out with whatever needs to be done so we can get this thing over and done with. For her to accuse me of doing such a thing makes it very personal. It’s like she’s got this vendetta against me and she’s just waiting for me to say something or do something so she can pick on me and put me in a spot.

I’m really not a difficult person to work with. If you can’t get along with me then very honestly the problem is you, not me.

I’m stuck in a group that doesn’t voice out if they’re unhappy about anything or dissatisfied with something. If I try to say anything I become the bad guy who tries to take control of things. We don’t have the freedom to choose what we want to do, everything is set by her (which is not what the other group is doing so they’re having the time of their lives right now). It’s very suffocating. And it’s very difficult because all my friends are in a different group and I’m stuck with these people.

For 3 years I’ve struggled with fitting in with and adapting to the people around me. And I actually have some very good friends in class although few. I keep away from anyone I don’t particularly like. I don’t talk to you if I don’t have to. Even if there’s a group project and I have to work with people I despise, I put all differences aside and work with them to get things done. I actually did that just a few weeks ago and we worked pretty well. Doesn’t mean we’re friends again, though. But you get the point. I’m not vindictive. I’m not vengeful. I’m not bitter. I just stay away from you if I don’t like you. Why can’t people just stay away from me if they don’t like me? Why can’t they just mind their own business and stay the hell out of mine? 

I can’t wait to finish this damn posting and be done with this whole medical program so I never see these people again. I just can’t want.

I’m so thankful for my other friends though we’re not in the same group. We’re all housemates and I love having them around for a change instead of living alone. Very lucky to also have other friends in KL whom I get to spend time and go for dinner with. Really don’t know what I’d do without them.

If there’s one thing this place has taught me time and time again it’s patience. Lots and lots and lots of patience.