To The Boy Who Couldn't Say Yes

Remember how we first started talking when you texted me on Christmas Day all those years ago?

Remember the conversation we had that night where we just talked and talked about everything until nearly 6 in the morning. You asked me what I'd do if I had 24 hours left to live. And you told me what you'd do, too. That you'd just enjoy yourself by the beach without telling anyone.

Remember all the messages we used to send each other back and forth every day without fail. Even when we never saw each other. All those good morning and good night texts. 

And texts throughout the day. How the conversations never seemed to end. How they just kept going and going and going.

I still remember the first day I saw you. How I noticed everything about you but pretended not to give a fuck. How your stupid car keys hung out of your back pocket. I hated it.

Yet I started to like you.

For some odd reason.

Funny how the world works sometimes, no?

Remember when I had my dengue episode. You were the first one to take me to the clinic.

And when I had that KFC incident you were the first call I made.

Remember when we woke up early one day just to go get yau char kuey from the aunty who opened her stall by 5 in the morning.

For over 3 years I had the silliest school girl crush on you and then one day after one drink too many I told you how I felt about you after all the signals you sent my way. 

And you told me you felt the same.

For a little while, in that delusional state, I was so confused. 

Until it slowly started to sink in.

And then you asked me out to dinner. Which never happened because you had your assignment to see to.

Remember when my car was at the workshop one day and you took me to the supermarket to get water to fill up the radiator. How we sorta held hands in the car. And how you had your hand on the small of my back the whole time as we were standing in line to pay for my stuff.

Remember we went to Starbucks one night and after you sent me back you texted me saying you wished it didn't have to end because it felt really nice to see each other after so long.

Remember the little notes I left on your car when we couldn't see each other even though we were both at the same place.

Remember we went for breakfast one morning after we spent the whole night talking. You wanted wan tan mee and we drove around in circles looking for it until we finally found a place that had it at 6 in the morning.

Remember the movies we watched even though we were both so tired and so sleepy. 

How you'd hold my hands close to you after I rubbed your shoulders after the long day you had.

And the few nights we spent close together on that stupid wooden chair in the hall. 

How you held me close, how you had your arms around me and how you let me lean on you.

Remember how we talked about wanting someone to lean on?

Do you remember.

Do you remember how one day everything started to die down. Just as it usually does in most relationships.

Then from dying down everything came to a screeching halt.

And it was like deja vu all bloody over again from 4 years ago.

How it broke my heart, you'll never know.

I tried telling you. I tried explaining to you how I felt about it and I tried to make you understand and you told me you'd try to change.

But you never did.

8 months now and we've never gone for dinner together. 

We've never gone for a proper movie together. 

We've never even walked around in a mall together.

8 months now.

Because you're always busy.

Everyone's busy, sweetheart. 

But if they mean something to you then they automatically become a priority.

Remember all the days and nights you left me hanging without a reply. Without a definite answer. Without bothering to let me know if we'll meet or if you'd come to see me.

Remember how you said we needed to talk but only talked 8 weeks after you said that to me and even then you were so tired I doubt you even remember most of what you said to me.

Remember the last conversation we had?

Do you remember saying you don't know whether you want me or not. You said you want me to be with you but you don't know whether you want this commitment with me.

Do you remember?

After all the time I spent constantly waiting for you to call when you said you'd call but never did. After all the time I spent constantly waiting for you to reply to my texts when you said you'd reply or when you said you'd let me know once you're back but never did.

Do you know how much you've hurt me?

Do you realize how much you've put me through, emotionally? Mentally?

You always tell me how you don't like people being so sensitive around you. How you simply cannot stand it when people get emotional and start crying around you. 

Do you realize that you're just blocking out whatever it is you're feeling? And that the people around you who express these feelings make you uncomfortable because you may very possibly be feeling those things too, but refuse to show it?

You're terribly emotional. 

You're also terribly sensitive.

But you're so afraid to let it show.

You're so insecure about the way you feel about people.

I still remember how you looked at me that night when you held me. 

But after that it's like you realized. And you got so afraid. And you never expressed yourself the same way again. You became so cold. So distant.

And it confused the hell out of me.

I've never been one to express myself. 

Never.

Not until you.

I've never openly told someone how much they mean to me. How much I love them and think about them and miss them and how much I want to see them or hear their voice before I go to bed. I never did that before you.

And when I said all those things to you I was completely ignored.

How do you think that made me feel?

Yet I stayed patient. 

Yet I waited, because I told myself you wouldn't lead me on unless you felt the exact same way about me.

I waited for you.

I waited for you even when you told me you were busy, yet always seemed to have time for all your other friends but me.

I waited for you even when you told me you were busy, yet always seemed to have time to like posts on Facebook but couldn't respond to my messages, let alone like posts on my wall.

These past 8 months have been hell for me, to be very honest.

I loved every moment I got to spend with you. 

But it was hell because you kept me waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

I used to look up to you.

I saw you as someone who knew exactly what he wanted out of life and out of the people he cared about.

But the moment you said you didn't know if you wanted to commit to this or not, you shattered me.

You shattered me.

I still love you. Because you don't stop loving the people you care about most. You just learn to let them go if they want to be set free.

I just hope, darling boy, that you do not keep the next girl waiting just as you kept me.

I do not know exactly what it is you have going on in your mind. But I understand you better than you think you understand yourself. I know you're afraid of being hurt like you were before. And I know that you're afraid to commit in case the people around you find out, and if something goes wrong, everyone will be talking about it. 

I know. 

I know how you feel about all these things. I just wish you had opened up to me about the things that were going on in that mind of yours. 

I'm not expecting anything from you anymore. I don't expect to see you anymore. I don't expect replies from you anymore. I don't expect calls or surprise visits or last minute ice-cream runs. I don't even think you'll ever decide to come back to me anymore.

I bleed for you for the last time tonight.
Come tomorrow I bleed no more.