Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines

Part of me finds it very sad that my own parents don't know the kind of person they have brought up and raised.

They see me as someone who is very selfish, dominating, as someone who bullies her sister, arrogant, impatient, unkind, not bothered, irresponsible. Someone who just doesn't care or give a damn.

In my mind these past few years, a majority of my thoughts have been revolving around how I will be helping my parents out financially once I start earning.

I might not earn much in the beginning. But I already know that chunks of my pay will be going towards my sister's monthly allowance as she will be in college by the time I start working, and also towards my parents, to settle off whatever bills they have. The rest of what I earn will be used for my other necessities and savings, etc. I never tell them this because I feel it is my responsibility as the eldest to do my part in this family. And when the time comes they will see what I'm doing. There's no need for me to brag about anything or to tell them my plans.

For quite some time I was planning to apply to work in East Malaysia because of the amount of exposure people get when they go there, but now I’m considering working here in Ipoh so that I can be close to them in case anything happens. After all I’ve been away for over 6 years. Why not come home and take care of them for a change since my sister won’t be around. They don’t know all these things that go on in my head night after night. They rather make assumptions about the things I choose not to tell them about.

Because I'm still studying, my parents give me an allowance every month. I use it for petrol and tol, food and uni stuff like photocopying of notes and books. I very rarely do any shopping. Any balance I have for the month goes into my savings account of which I use for birthdays or special occasions in the family and sometimes little treats when I meet up with certain friends after ages. I'm very careful with the way I spend these days because of the financial situation at home. And because petrol price has been fluctuating, sometimes I don't even have a proper meal. The two weeks before coming home I was on oats almost every day. And sometimes my car gives me problems so I need to take it to the mechanic to get it fixed, and I try very hard not to ask for any extra money unless absolutely necessary. I don't tell my parents all these things because I don't want them to worry. But by not telling them exactly where my money goes, they think I use it for other more trivial things.

Most of the time when I'm home for the holidays I don't meet up with any friends because they're all overseas and our holidays don't coincide. This time round I managed to meet up with two of them and we were out for two consecutive days catching up etc. I always tell my parents where I go and whom I go out with. I even tell them to let me know if they need me to buy anything on the way home or ask if I should be back by a certain time. Even by doing this they say I'm always out with friends and I don't care about what's happening at home. What am I to say to this?

My sister and I are close. No matter how close two people are, there will always be a tendency for them to butt heads when it comes to certain things. Which I think is fairly normal so long as they are able to sort things out at the end of the day. That's how we are. We share everything together. We're both stubborn but we deal with it and we're still okay. But my parents think I bully her by telling her what to and what not to do. They say they're even afraid to send us both on a holiday because they think I'll be mean to her. It amazes and saddens me how they gave birth to me, yet not know me at all, though they think they have me all figured out. 

My mother has cervical spondylosis. She’s always doing things she’s not supposed to do and she complains of pain after that. I’ve told her time and time again not to do those things but she doesn’t care to listen. Today I needed to head into town to get some things done. I woke up early and told her this and she said she wanted to follow me to do some things as well. So I got ready and we left and in the car she went on and on about her pain. Being the practical person that I am, I asked her why she didn’t just stay home to rest instead, and why she wanted to come along seeing as to how I could have gone on my own. Apparently my tone of voice while saying this was disrespectful and impatient so she turned the car around and went home and two minutes later my father calls me to ask what went wrong, after which I was given a long lecture at night about how I am all of the things I mentioned above. I truly meant no disrespect when I said what I said. I only wanted her to rest so she wouldn’t complain of all the pain she was going through. And during the lecture she said she wanted to come to spend time with me because I’m hardly at home. So why didn’t she say this to me in the car..?

For many years I felt like I was grossly misunderstood by my family. Then for some time things were alright. But it looks like I’m still misunderstood and no matter what I say or do, their opinion about me will never change.

All the years they spent disciplining me, I never once spoke back or retaliated. I never once shouted at them. I never once said or did anything I wasn’t supposed to.

Even now at this age I don’t talk back and yet they say I am all the things that I am not. They say they are hurt by my words and actions. What am I then? Do they not care to stop for a minute and see things from my point of view?

I am not one who very openly expresses the way I feel. I’m just not one of those people. I will do things to show you but I will never say it. And even after doing these things they still cannot see.

We planned a surprise birthday celebration for mummy’s birthday this coming Saturday. I ordered her cake from a place in Bangsar because there was no cake shop in Ipoh that would have anything mummy would approve of since she, too, bakes. I need to drive down to pick it up tomorrow. There’s a part of me that keeps asking what’s the point, especially after all this drama today. Obviously my plans won’t change but I can’t get that voice out of my head. Will this even matter to her once it’s all over? I’m skipping two days of classes just for this. Does it matter? I could have gone back south for classes then come home again but that would only mean having to spend more money on petrol and tol. Does this even matter to daddy that I’m skipping my classes so he can save some money?

They go on and on about all the little things that they think make me who I am, not knowing who I really am or what really goes on in my mind.

I can’t do this anymore.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved them, and sometimes they loved me too.