This Is Why

I just finished watching episode 4 (of season 11) of Grey's Anatomy.

"The first time I won my Harper Avery award, I thought, screw those boys. I stood there holding that trophy, thinking about all I'd sacrificed, what I had overcome and I dedicated that award to all the women surgeons who would come after me." - Dr. Ellis Grey

The past 4 weeks of my third year of medical school have been incredibly productive. We had two days of orientation after which we delved right into physical examinations and long lectures.

We started off with the general examination of the patient. Observation, inspection and everything and after we were taught, we'd be tested individually to perform the examination again to make sure we knew everything by heart. 

After that we moved onto the abdomen, then to the cardio-thoracic region, followed by head and neck. 

We had a session on catheterization as well and we were shown the types of catheters used, etc.

On Grey's Anatomy today, Ellis Grey did a balloon tamponade to stop refractory bleeding of the hepatic vein during one of her surgeries. And she used a Foley catheter (the same type we were shown during our session) to do that. 

Surgery.

I've never imagined myself as a surgeon. Never. I don't know why.

I've thought very briefly about paediatric surgery and before that I used to think about obstetrics and gynaecology, but I've never been able to picture myself in scrubs performing a surgery to save a life. Never. 

Until today's episode of GA.

I've only ever thought about paediatric medicine; sitting in a clinic, meeting patients, talking to parents, taking medical history, prescribing some medication and having them come in for a follow-up. 

"...I stood there holding that trophy, thinking about all I'd sacrificed, what I had overcome and I dedicated that award to all the women surgeons who would come after me."

All the women surgeons.

And then I realized, I could very well be one of them.

I could be a surgeon.

I could.

I'll only be able to decide once I actually get a feel of it, though.

But the prospect and the idea of actually being able to do that is indescribable. 

I mean, how many people are actually able to get inside the human body, to actually see veins and arteries, to stop bleeding and to remove tumours, to do a CABG, to fix broken bones.

I remember before going for interviews I was asked to think about why I wanted to do medicine.

And at the time, all I could ever think of was that I wanted to help people.

But whenever I told people that, they'd say I could help people in all kinds of ways. I could be a teacher or a police officer or something because that would be helping people too, right?

But I think now after all these years of trying to figure out my answer, I finally know exactly why I want to do medicine.

I don't think I've ever been so interested about the human body before this (episode and year). 

I want to be able to have answers for all things or as many things as possible related to the human body. If someone comes to me with a medical problem, I want to be able to tell them exactly what to do and how to do it (or at least try to). I want to be able understand my own body as well as possible. I want to know why I wake up breathless at night sometimes. I want to know why I have sleep paralysis and insomnia. I want to know why I have a sharp shooting pain in my chest sometimes, I want to know why my back hurts after lifting something heavy or mopping or sweeping. I want answers. I want to know why.

Yes, I have asthma and that makes my chest tighten but why? How?
Yes, I have a lumbar sprain which is why my back hurts but why? How did it happen? What are the nerves or bones involved?

Yes, I have sleep paralysis and it's a proven medical condition and it's due to stress but why? Why is it that I'm only experiencing it now and not before?

I've always been someone who needs answers to everything. I need closure. I hate it when things are left hanging I absolutely hate it.

So now I know why I want to do this.

Not only because I want to help people, but because I want to know how and why things work this way or the other.

 I want to do this for me. No one else but me. 

"Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy, but not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life."