All I can hear right now is the soft whirring of the fridge and the ticking of both the wall clocks here at the dining table.
Back home for the week. Heading south again in under 48 hours. Can't believe just how fast the week has come and gone.
Re-reading Dorothy Koomson's The Rose Petal Beach.
It's been bloody years since I spent all my time reading throughout the day. And now that I'm doing it again I realize just how much I've missed it.
To be able to connect with whatever the writer was feeling. To engage with the characters on an emotional level that only I, myself can understand as the reader. To immerse myself in the story without having to worry about what was going on around me.
My goodness. How I've missed it.
There's this particular part in the book that still gets to me. I think I've blogged about it before but I can't help it.
It's when Beatrix describes how she feels about not waking up next to someone. Or waking up next to someone, rather.
"Here's the thing I don't like about being single: waking up alone. The rest of it I really can handle, no matter what other people might try to tell me. It's this part I find hardest.
I long to have someone to sleep with. You can get sex anywhere, it's all around you and you can pluck it out of the air almost - if you're willing to compromise (a lot) on quality, usually - but it's difficult really difficult to find someone you connect with enough to sleep with.
I love waking up with a man's arms around me and his body next to mine, feeling like I am part of something whole instead of mostly incomplete. I like it and crave it, sometimes more than sex. It doesn't seem to work as well with one-night stands, not sure why. Maybe it's because you can't pretend too hard? You can't allow yourself to relax and sleep properly if you know at the end of it he's probably going to be gone very early the next day, if he stays more than a few hours at all. Even if he stays 'till dawn, even if you have that connection that leads to morning sex, you know he's leaving and never coming back. When you crave the intimacy of sleeping with someone, having it faked for only a few hours is worse than not having it at all."
Not that I've had sex with anyone. But I do know what it feels like waking up with a man's arms around me. And I miss it.
I've become so attached to my phone these days. And I'm trying to break that habit. The thing is, when I'm in my apartment on my own, that little device is my only way to connect with the world. The landline is there for calls to and from the house. But group messages, notifications and the like all come via WhatsApp and sometimes Facebook. I can't help but to constantly keep checking. I need to stop, though. I need to stop going through my newsfeed every hour of every day. I need to stop going through pictures and quotes that remind me of the things that I've gone through and am still trying to get through. I need to stop, I really do.
Especially Facebook.
It's great to see what my friends are upto and all but I really have to stop depending on it to keep myself occupied. It's so unhealthy.
Nobody bothers to call anymore. Or even text as much anymore. It's either WhatsApp-ed or inboxed on Facebook and it really sucks.
Even arguments are done via messaging and you can't tell what the other person is actually thinking coz you can't look at their face. You can't make physical contact with them to tell them that everything's going to be okay. And if the problem isn't solved then both parties just stop talking. It's so sad.
I think to a certain extent, life would be a lot more peaceful without all these social media apps and what-not. Or maybe I just need to know how to manage things. Manage my time. My emotions.
More in the coming months I suppose.
Another month of minor postings then it's electives and exams. It'll be my final year of med school before I know it!
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