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Of Ends & New Beginnings

Eleven months ago I was about 20% suicidal. A lot has happened since then.

Graduated just three days ago. It was really very emotional for me because I never really thought I'd make it this far. I'm actually a doctor now can you believe it?

Many years ago I wrote something about myself that I felt made perfect sense. & it really has this past year; "If anyone were to fall for me, I daresay it wouldn't be for my looks, but rather the way they get to be themselves when they're with me."

I have learnt so many things this year. A lot more than I have in a while. I've learnt not to judge anyone solely on the way they look, because even the ones most displeasing to the eyes have qualities about them which you cannot help but to love and admire.

If anything, or if something is meant for you, you will have it somehow. You may have to walk through hell and back to get it, but it will be yours for the taking if that's what God has decided.

My religion and spiritual life is for no one to talk about except me. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be religious and what it means to be spiritual. I may not go to church religiously every Sunday. I may not say grace before every meal or thank God for the day He's given me before I sleep every night, but I know deep down that I am who I am and I am where I am because of Him. There are days I may be so disconnected from God that I feel lost. But there will always be days after that where I know he has picked me  up again. I do not fear about my future. I know I have decisions to make, and I know in due time what those choices will be.

I know the kind of person I have become. I no longer tolerate people who don't bring me peace or happiness. Everyone has flaws. I have flaws. But I know when I am wrong. Anyone who does not, has no place in my heart. And I have let so many go because of that. I am a lot lighter because of it. I no longer tolerate people who are not honest about their feelings for me. I'm tired of being used, played and kept as an option. There is a limit to my kindness.

I don't allow anything to upset me for very long. I might think about it for a day or two, then tell myself to let it go. Most days it is easier said than done. Some days I relapse. But I am almost always at peace because of it.

It feels like the year just started and here it is coming to an end. Next year will bring a whole new set of challenges which I'm bracing myself to face. As much as I'm independent and capable of taking care of myself, I'm hoping that in the coming year I will also finally meet my other half. My heart is ready.

My heart is ready.

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