Expectations vs. Me

I am so tired of having to live up to expectations.

I really am.

It's so fucking frustrating and I just can't do it anymore.

Back in school I was expected to be an all A student. No ifs, no buts. Even if it meant I had to sacrifice sunday school or church service as I got older. Even if it meant I had to sacrifice outings with my friends, co-curricular activities. I simply had to get my A's.

Which I did get but still.

Once I got into college I was expected to be on my best behaviour 24/7. Don't talk back even if it means making a logical point. Don't show your face to anyone even if they treat you like shit. Don't do this. Don't do that. And I constantly had people watching me like a hawk when what I did was none of their damn business.

Now I'm almost done with my course, I'm going to be 25 next year and mom still expects so much!

I'm supposed to walk like her, talk like her, dress like her, be like her.

And every single time I try to tell her that I'm my own person I get fucking shot down.

My dressing style and mom's are completely different. Her's is more of a Princess Diana kinda thing and mine is more of a wear-what-I-can-afford (mostly Bohemian) kinda thing. 

Everything depends on my mood. There are days where all I want to do is stay home and do nothing. So when I'm in hibernation mood, my style is hobo. Big baggy T-shirts and cute undies. That's it.

When I'm in a good mood and all set to go out for the day either on my own or with the girls, my dress sense is more H&M. Shorts, bohemian style tank tops and sandals. And since I'm always using my gold earrings and chain I find it such a chore to keep changing it so I only use my deeperthanfashion bracelet and a watch. That's just me.

But mom expects me to be immaculately dressed ALL. THE. TIME. Dorothy Perkins tops, Miss Selfridge summer dresses, Uniqlo jeggings/capris (which make me look like an aunty okay I'm not even kidding), branded this, branded that. OMG.

Yes there are days when I know I need to dress up for a function and I use whatever dresses I have for such occassions but I'm expected to have a new dress for every new occassion I mean wtf? Who's even going to remember what I wore for Aunty A's birthday party last year or what I wore to church 10 months ago?

And it's not like I don't have anything to wear for functions. I do. I have enough dresses to wear on a rotational basis throughout the year but no. Everything must be new.

I cannot.

And over the weekend when we were in KL I was given a shopping allowance (I really hate the fact that I'm not earning my own money yet seriously) and mom said I could use it 'to get whatever I want'. Keywords being WHATEVER I WANT. So in my mind I was trying to figure out what to get everyone for Christmas and then we walked into Lovisa to check out some accessories. I love the things they have in Lovisa. I really love the earrings and bracelets and ugh but at the same time, I'm not going to spend a bomb on a pair of earrings no matter how much I like them. If I see something that I like and it's worth it then I'll get it otherwise Adele's Someone Like You plays in my head and I'm moving on to greener pastures. So just because I saw a (bloody expensive) pair of earrings I liked but didn't buy for myself, mom's temper hit the roof, saying that she gave me that allowance to buy stuff for myself. Please note that initially it was 'buy whatever you want'. And just like that she took all that moolah away from me because I wasn't going to get myself that expensive pair of earrings even though I saw something else I really liked for half the price and actually bought it.

I cannot understand her logic. I really can't.

I'm not the type to spend unnecessarily. 

Uniqlo has the cutest lounge shorts and I love them all but they're 40 bucks each and I can get the same thing at a different place for 10 bucks each I kid you not. But no. That doesn't work for mom. Or my sister. If they see it and they like it, no matter what the price, they get it.

And they expect me to do the same!

I CANNOT DO THAT!

Omg.

I really hate shopping with them because of this.

When I'm back south if I go shopping I usually always know what I want to get beforehand so when I'm at the mall I just target certain places, get my stuff and I'm done super quick. I really don't like walking around the whole damn place aimlessly. It's such a bloody waste of time.

I'd rather spend time visiting places, going to parks or to the beach.

I cannot spend all my time at a mall.

I'm not judging anyone who does. Really. Everyone's different after all but I'm just not in the least bit excited about spending my entire holiday shopping.

So please. If you're a parent or if you're going to be a parent and you're reading this and your child doesn't like the things you do, please don't force them to like the things you do or be something they don't want to be. Let them be their own person. Let them experiment with whatever fashion sense they want so that they can find what they really like. 

Just please don't force your kids to be what they're not.