The Rose Petal Beach

Another read I recently picked up by Dorothy Koomson.

Her stories are always so detailed, so different, so interesting.

This one's about Tami and Scott. 

I never wanted a boyfriend before. I remember how I always used to say how much I never want to eventually get married. 

But things have changed. My mind's made up.

And it can't be that bad waking up for the rest of your life to someone who never fails to take your breath away, right?

"Here's the thing I don't like about being single: Waking up alone. The rest of it I really can handle. No matter what other people might try to tell me. It's this part I find hardest.
I long to have someone to sleep with. You can get the sex anywhere, it's all around you and you can pluck it out of the air almost - if you're willing to compromise (a lot) on quality, usually - but it's difficult, really difficult to find someone you connect with enough to sleep with.
I love waking up with a man's arms around me and his body next to mine, felling like I am a part of something whole instead of mostly incomplete. I like it and I crave it, sometimes more than sex. It doesn't seem to work as well with one-night stands, not sure why. Maybe it's because you can't pretend too hard? You can't allow yourself to relax and sleep properly if you know at the end of it he's probably going to be gone very early the next day, if he stays more than a few hours at all. Even if he stays till dawn, even if you have that connection that leads to morning sex, you know he's leaving and never coming back. When you crave the intimacy of sleeping with someone, having it faked for only a few hours is worse than not having it at all."

The words of Beatrix, Tami's best friend.

I want that. I want to be able to fall asleep with someone one day knowing that he'll still be around when I wake up. For good.

But then I think about everything that could potentially go wrong in a relationship.

You might be marrying your best friend under the right circumstances but what if? 

What if something bad happens in between all the butterfly kisses and cuddling and croissant-sharing for breakfast?

What if?

What if anything goes wrong when you've both had kids? How damaged they would be. How unfair life would be for them. Don't you think?

"I had to know if it was me that he was sick of, fed up with. If it was me that needed replacing. I wanted to know, but after I asked, I thought of all the things that would end when he answered that question. No more seeing the girls every day, no more ticking the marriage box on forms, no more financial security, no more house probably because it'd be hard to keep it going on just my earnings. No more having someone who came home to me. No more looking at the sleeping face of the man I loved and wondering who he had become. The answer would lead to the end, I was sure of that."

This was Tami, after finding out that her husband had allegedly raped her best friend after trying to get it on with her a couple of times at the office.

See anything could happen.

Anything at all.

What if he loses interest all of a sudden and just leaves?

What if he finds someone else in the midst of still having me around?

What if he promises you things but never delivers?

What if he lies about the things he's done in his past, or has a past he never shared with me before we got married?

What if he cheated on me with another woman and then claims how horrible a mistake it was for him to make?

What if, what if, what if!?

"No more having someone to come home to. No more looking at the sleeping face of the man I loved."

I honestly wouldn't be able to take it if anything like that were to ever happen to me.

Yes I want to be with someone. I want to have someone to call my very own. I want it. I want all of it.

And I read about how people are saying you need to take risks because life is all about risks and if you don't take risks then you haven't lived, but really.

Really.

What if?

I'm halfway through the book. Wondering what Tami is going to do about the whole situation. Wondering if it's Scott or Mirabelle who's lying.

Wondering.
Sigh.
On a lighter, brighter note, however, I've (successfully and) officially passed my first year of medical school.

So perhaps even if I don't find a man I could always wake up to the sleeping face of a St. Bernard or something.
P/S: God if you're reading this please, please let my perfect person be out there somewhere please.