Write Drunk, Edit Sober

As I sit here by my window watching it drizzle and looking out at the mist that is blanketing the hills, I can't help but to think about all the people who will be counting down to the new year with their families, friends and loved ones in a matter of hours. As always I will be here, at home, with my own family, waiting for the clock to strike 12 as we welcome in the new year, where we will have a family prayer and share a bottle of red amongst the four of us.  I have come to realize a number of things this year, just like I usually do every year. The difference this time is that it all makes perfect sense and I'm not running around like a headless chicken in my mind trying to figure out what the hell is happening or why things are the way they are or why people do the things they do. This time it all just makes sense. Ultimately, though, this year has taught me all about self worth. I've come to realize my value and I will no longer allow anyone to take me for...

I am so tired of having to live up to expectations. I really am. It's so fucking frustrating and I just can't do it anymore. Back in school I was expected to be an all A student. No ifs, no buts. Even if it meant I had to sacrifice sunday school or church service as I got older. Even if it meant I had to sacrifice outings with my friends, co-curricular activities. I simply had to get my A's. Which I did get but still. Once I got into college I was expected to be on my best behaviour 24/7. Don't talk back even if it means making a logical point. Don't show your face to anyone even if they treat you like shit. Don't do this. Don't do that. And I constantly had people watching me like a hawk when what I did was none of their damn business. Now I'm almost done with my course, I'm going to be 25 next year and mom still expects so much! I'm supposed to walk like her, talk like her, dress like her, be like her. And every single time I ...

"Before you let a man sweep you off your feet, come here lemme talk to you.  Before you let a man sweep you off your feet, be sure he is prepared to catch you when you fall. You might be too much woman for him.You might be too independent. Too smart. Too much of a catch. He may not be ready for the weight of how beautiful you are. How gorgeous you are. How strong you are. He may not be ready yet. You, have to be prepared...to be yourself regardless of if he can carry you or not. So it's important for you to know his past. His attributes. His strengths. If he's prepared to handle how beautiful you are. How gorgeous, how so awesome you are. So, I'm here to tell you...that it's super important for you to take your time. Don't just listen to sweet nothings. Don't listen to words, watch actions. Because you're too fragile to be dropped.  Your heart is way too valuable to be mishandled.  And your brain don't need a bruise. So before ...

And I can't waittttttt! Exams next week then I'll be home for my study break. It's almost the end of yet another year. I realize that with every passing year I'm always learning very important lessons about myself and about life. This year I realized my worth. My time, effort, love and energy are worth so, so much. And I shouldn't be giving it all to someone, to anyone, who doesn't appreciate it. Who doesn't appreciate me . And just last week I learnt that I need to take some time to calm myself down whenever I'm angry before going off to confront anyone because I end up not being able to contain myself and say things I don't mean 😑 Aaaanyways. More at the end of the month or next year methinks. Have a wonderful festive season wherever you all are! 🎄

Less than 2 months 'till the year comes to an end! Can't believe everything has happened so quickly. Another year and I'll be waiting for my posting and I'll be working omg. Clinical exams tomorrow. New lecturer will be taking us so we're all a little nervous. After this it's another month of our last posting for Year 4 and then our study break starts and before we know it we'll be done with our professional exams. Really looking forward to some sun, sand and sea after that.  Was back home for Diwali over the weekend. Food coma for about 3 days.  Fresh-faced and ready for food, I wore a sky/cerulean blue Mysore silk saree that day. Felt so girly and grown up. Everything's pretty much the same otherwise :) Still taking pictures of sunsets everyday whenever I can, wherever I am. Still watching movies and series online when there's nothing else to do. Been thinking about getting a pet cat recently. I've never been a cat person....

Remember how we first started talking when you texted me on Christmas Day all those years ago? Remember the conversation we had that night where we just talked and talked about everything until nearly 6 in the morning. You asked me what I'd do if I had 24 hours left to live. And you told me what you'd do, too. That you'd just enjoy yourself by the beach without telling anyone. Remember all the messages we used to send each other back and forth every day without fail. Even when we never saw each other. All those good morning and good night texts.  And texts throughout the day. How the conversations never seemed to end. How they just kept going and going and going. I still remember the first day I saw you. How I noticed everything about you but pretended not to give a fuck. How your stupid car keys hung out of your back pocket. I hated it. Yet I started to like you. For some odd reason. Funny how the world works sometimes, no? Remember when I had my dengue e...

Made a trip to JB over the weekend to visit some old friends. Took a walk around town and found so many new cafes around. Was on my own so I couldn't try that many places but it was so nice to see all the places I used to go to with the girls when we were there.  This was at The Brew Orchestra. Very fancy place with quality items on their menu. The chocolate drinks were really rich and you could choose the percentage of dark chocolate you wanted. This little chocolate delight we had was a mix of chocolate mousse and chocolate sponge and it was a little bitter. A little more of that berry coulis would have cut through the bitterness but it was still really yummy. And the presentation was lovely!  When I was out on my own I checked out The Ice Cream Factory. They have only a few flavours available which they make to order with liquid nitrogen so you actually get to see your ice-cream being prepared. The place was cute but I wasn't greeted as I entered or left the pla...

Last day of electives today! Can't believe 3 weeks have gone by so quickly. Managed to fill up my logbook and got the head of department to fill up the assessment component. He said my handwriting looked typed. Hehehe. Took some pictures with the staff in the wards and clinic and also with the doctors. Very happy to have been able to make some new friends here. Visited the Perak Museum after this morning's session.    Rolls Royce Silver Cloud 111 Took this along the main road just before the museum.   This was at the hospital right after it rained like crazy this morning. Lovely sunny skies. There's so much to take in, here in Taiping. The mist after it rains; The hills surrounding town; Beautiful trees everywhere; Old colonial buildings. Truly blessed to have been able to spend some time here and to have been taken such good care of by two wonderful families. Looking forward to spending time with the fam next week ...

Two weeks of my elective posting have come and gone. I've got another week left. Requested to be in the Paediatric department and I'm loving it so far.  Made some lovely new friends from Sabah who are also doing their electives here. Today was the highlight of my two weeks, though. Helped the doctors assess the development two little boys whom at first were very shy, but slowly warmed up to me and gave me all of their attention. It was such a wonderful feeling to be able to engage with them like that it really was. The hospital is so much bigger than the one in Muar. Car park is a nuisance coz all the spaces are filled as early as 7.30 in the morning. The Paeds ward isn't all that big. The doctors are pretty friendly. The nurses are gems - once you get to know them.   Took this outside the CME room just before it started a few days ago. I'm always the earliest to arrive just to get a proper car park -.- Taiping is a small town with lots to see and even...

I started following this series called Masters of Sex a few days ago. Halfway through the second season now. It's about two pioneers researching the science behind human sexuality and it's set between 1950 and 1960 in the US. I wonder how it must have felt like for women back in the day to have to depend on men their whole lives for everything they ever wanted or ever needed. To have to depend on the man to bring home sufficient wages to feed the family and see to the bills. To depend on a man to come fix something in the house that was broken. To depend on a man to see to a woman's health, to prescribe her the right medication. To depend on a man to treat her right. To depend on a man to never cheat, lie or be disloyal. How frustrating it must have been for women who just wanted to break free from all that! I don't know what it is exactly, but watching this has made me start thinking about how I've had to do things for myself and not depend on a...

Already a beauty, now (almost) training like a beast. :P :P Went for my first body combat class earlier this evening. Friggin' awesome! Can't wait for the next session. Have been going to the gym these past few weeks. Been wanting to go since the beginning of the year but finally only started in June and am very happy with the results though it hasn't been that long. Have lost a couple of kilos and am totally loving the way I look and feel. My tummy's almost always flat now unless I eat too much :P And I'm not breathless like I used to be after climbing flights of stairs. Have also cut down on rice. Not too difficult since I don't really like it anyway. And I don't eat after 7pm. Unless it's a super long day at the hospital or something. Bought my usual 3 in a pack bars of Snickers to indulge and am feeling so guilty about finishing 'em I've still got 2 left and it's been a whole week already. They're usually gone in a d...

Was in Malacca early this morning with a friend to get some things done. Decided to head on over to The Daily Fix Cafe along Jonker Street for brunch.  Because we were both on a (very, very, very) tight budget (but still wanted to check it out) we ordered two breakfast meals and shared them. First up we have the Pandan Pancakes with Gula Melaka. The picture doesn't do it any justice, unfortunately.  The pancake itself was soft and fluffy and had just the right amount of pandan flavour of which we caught wafts as it was served. Was pleasantly surprised as I cut into it and found the brown sugar filling. The pancakes absorbed the brown sugar syrup so occasionally I bit into chunks of brown sugar. The coconut on the side made it that much richer and the vanilla ice-cream sort of brought it all together. Perfect if you're looking to try something different with local flavours. Then we had the Eggs Benedict. This was a bit of a tease because the bacon looked so bloo...

All I can hear right now is the soft whirring of the fridge and the ticking of both the wall clocks here at the dining table. Back home for the week. Heading south again in under 48 hours. Can't believe just how fast the week has come and gone. Re-reading Dorothy Koomson's The Rose Petal Beach. It's been bloody years since I spent all my time reading throughout the day. And now that I'm doing it again I realize just how much I've missed it. To be able to connect with whatever the writer was feeling. To engage with the characters on an emotional level that only I, myself can understand as the reader. To immerse myself in the story without having to worry about what was going on around me.  My goodness. How I've missed it. There's this particular part in the book that still gets to me. I think I've blogged about it before but I can't help it. It's when Beatrix describes how she feels about not waking up next to someone. Or waking ...

"Aquarians can be categorized into two distinct types. The first type can be described as patient, gentle, sensitive and shy. While the second type can be described as an exhibitionist, is livelier, exuberant and uses frivolity to conceal different aspects of their personality. In spite of their apparent differences, both types still possess strong wills and firm beliefs in their convictions. One of the great traits Aquarians have is their ability to set aside biases when it comes to hearing different sides of a story. Due to their steadfastness and belief in upholding the truth, they are always willing to listen to the different points of view. When it comes to love and relationships, Aquarians struggle to balance the emotional aspect from the mental patterns they are used to. Usually, when Aquarians are in a relationship, they always seem to keep an arm’s length from their partners just to ensure they still have the time and space for themselves. If you are dating an Aquariu...

I was reading an article the other day on Thought Catalog about how the modern dating scene is driving each Myers-Briggs personality batshit crazy. And I decided to finally find out which personality I am. Turns out I'm an INTJ - Introversion (I), Intuitive (N), Thinking (T), Judgement (J). Which is spot on. I've come to realize, over the years, that when I like someone, and if that someone likes me back, I automatically tend to expect things. I automatically expect them to treat me the way I treat them, and do for me the things I do for them, and think of me the way I think about them. Expectation is the root of all heartache isn't it? But that's just me. I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I'm someone who can be extremely affectionate but it takes a while for me to open up. I usually come across as cold or distant because I'm so afraid that if I open up, I might open up too much and scare the person off. So it's always the other p...

April has been an exceptionally challenging month for me. Juggling assignments, exams, case presentations, seminars and preparations for our annual dinner was really, really, so very hectic.  Very happy that the dinner went off without a hitch and very grateful for my friends who continuously supported me and helped me out throughout the weeks of preps and on D-Day. I sang Adele's When We Were Young as the opening performance :D Exams also went well. Assignments and all handed in, log books completed. One more posting until we start the next cycle of minor postings.  My baby hasn't been feeling too well again. Thermostat problem. Hoping that the foreman will be able to get the part and fix her up for me by Monday because I've got so much running around to do.  Am now the VP of our student council. Finally out of the whole Public Relations thing after 3 years. Really wanted a break from all this but I think this time we've got a pretty solid team. Look...

...of my break and I'm really liking the fact that I have all the time in the world for afternoon naps. It's been ages since I had proper sleep and now I get over 8 hours of shut eye a day. Nothing extraordinary going on at the moment. My parents' mission to find me a suitor has officially begun. It's really amusing to hear them tell me that they've told this close friend and that close colleague to keep an eye out for someone for me. It hasn't completely sunken in yet but it's slowly getting there. Jokes about marriage aren't jokes anymore. Mom and dad have specified very clearly what they want and don't want in their future son-in-law and most of it is acceptable, really, but the other day dad mentioned about the guy not being allowed to have more facial hair than him -.- I mean come on! People have always asked me what I want in my significant other. I've always wondered myself, and over the years I have finally been able to put ...

It's just after 4 in the morning. I've been going days without proper sleep. Weeks, even.  I either fall asleep and wake up around 3 in the morning or don't sleep at all, just toss and turn all night. Back home again for my semester break and even with my meds I'm so wide awake. The past few weeks and months have gone by really fast. I'm finally done with my 7th semester. Another 3 more to go until I'm done with this whole course. It's exciting but at the same time also really daunting. Things have been going well otherwise. Finally getting into the whole make-up thing. My mission these next 2 weeks is to learn how to do those winged eyeliner thingys so that for the annual dinner next month I'll be able to do it for myself instead of having my friends do it for me. Fingers crossed.  Was trying to find this song I heard on the radio the other day but can't seem to remember the lyrics.  So many things going on in my head but I can...

I turned 24 on Valentine's Day. And though I couldn't spend it at home with my parents this year, my friends made me feel just as special. Everything started at the stroke of midnight. The calls came in, messages flooded my inbox, voice messages on Whatsapp, pictures, wishes. To be honest I was secretly expecting my gang of friends to come banging on the door at 12 like what we always do for all our other friends but by 12.30 when I didn't hear anything I decided to just call it a night. Was already under the covers by 11.30 so all I had to do was snuggle up and go to sleep. Just as I got a call from a friend at around 1.00am, I heard someone at the door. And as much as I pictured everything in my head, how I'd react and how I'd be surprsied and how I'd feel so touched, when the actual banging occurred I just zoned out.  Gaayethri stood at the door, gave me a hug (and a present) and wished me happy birthday. Then she made sure I was decently dressed ...